As I have battled with my insecurities well...my entire life? I have come to realise that the one person I thought contributed to some of my insecurities, turned out to be in fact the one person I now turn to for true support.
Some us are led to believe that the advice (better known as criticism) we receive from our parents can sometimes tarnish our self esteem. Well I can say that I have used it once or twice as a justification of my self-image 'issues'.
My Mother always took pride in us as kids. Dressing us to the nines wherever we went. We were those kids all parents would compliment on what we were wearing, as our outfits were always so carefully put together.
Pretty red pinafore dress, red bow in hair, white lace frilled socks worn with black patent leather Mary Janes....stylist - MUM.
Then as a teen (when I was obviously dressing myself), Mum would critique my outfits time and time again, I was no longer wearing pretty red dresses and I swapped my pretty black Mary Janes for a pair of black Nike Airs (eep - this was my tomboy stage of life...ahh yes). Mum would rarely look at what I was wearing without a shriek or shake of head in disappointment. Then it was what I ate, Mum would always watch what I ate. I was never a big girl at any point but I can definitely say that my Mum would not have allowed it! She would stop me from going to the fridge at times if she thought I'd had enough.
Over time I began to think that some of this played a part in the way I doubted myself. I guess my mother rarely approved of my look or taste. I know she loved me, but I wanted her to tell me I was beautiful, I wanted her to like what I was wearing (ok so maybe not while I was wearing Nike Airs) but I wanted compliments, not advice!
Now, 10 years later I still look for that approval, that confirmation that yes in my own way, am beautiful. But the problem is I rarely will accept a compliment without backfiring with some sort of contradiction or negative. Someone will compliment my outfit, looks for physique and I almost immediately answer with "oh but this or that is something negative".
So in fact I think the negative thinking and self doubt is actually not a derivative of my upbringing, not something to do with the fact that my Mother always wanted for her daughter to look her best. But in fact something completely self-inflicted (pause for shock)
This year I went through some shall we say 'alterations' to my looks (ok so yes, I had minor cosmetic surgery). The outcome was not immediately a positive one, and I am sure a lot of you out there who have entered into the world of physical upgrades can agree that it is not an easy journey.
I was falling into a black hole...thinking I had made a mistake, a bad decision, one that was irreversible.
I received many approvals and compliments from close friends. All trying to convince me that the outcome was the best I could have because it wasn’t a major change, and in fact not many people would know the difference. I still looked like Me.
But NO, did I want to look like me? I wanted to be different; I thought I had to look different. So by about the fifth day of my recovery I woke up that morning and ran to the mirror for my daily check - nope still not confident, only one thing that came to mind next, MUM!
Mum will tell me the truth, Mum won't lie. Mum won't tell me I look beautiful, better, great, unless it was true!? I got dressed, packed a bag and jumped on the next train to my parent's house.
The anticipation of my Mother's approval seemed greater by the minute and the one hour trip felt like a year.
Finally - "You look beautiful, perfect".
It felt like I had submitted an application for self-esteem and it was stamped with a big red APPROVED. I was relieved and I was happy. I asked her if she thought that the minor change was a good thing, that it was better that I still looked like me? She answered with, "You didn't need to change anything, you were already beautiful, the one thing you had a problem with was only obvious to your eyes".
If only I believed that for longer than the next ten minutes.
Love you Mummy.
x
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